Ode to Myself

I’m really proud of you.

You really desire the good of everyone around you. Sometimes the follow through is lacking – maybe you’re scared, too shy, unsure of what to do, or distracted – but your heart is sincere.

You have so much joy inside of you. For the little things. For the big things. For sights, for smells, for textures, for sounds, for tastes. It radiates from inside and in turn infects joy upon those around you.

You do a lot of things well. You cook, you sing, you draw, you write, you knit, you sew, you play sports, you tell funny stories, you talk to people, you lead things, you organize events, you listen to people…you’ve gotten compliments on your handshake, for goodness’ sake!

Even the things that you don’t find yourself to be talented in, you have given yourself space to slowly improve over the years. You play plenty of chords on the guitar now. When you’re in a car by yourself, you harmonize to almost all the pop songs on the radio. You feel less awkward when meeting people and you’ve learned to ask questions, be comfortable with silence, and not try to solve people’s problems.

You’re so smart. You’ve never had to work very hard and you still excel in pretty much all subjects. You don’t give yourself credit for this because all you see are the geniuses around you. Perhaps they are smarter than you in some ways, but that doesn’t affect the caliber of your own intelligence.

You bring people together. You connect a lot of people who don’t take the time or don’t have the time to keep up with one another. You allow yourself grace to not reach out to people that you don’t have bandwidth for, but when they re-enter your life, they are always a welcome sight to be invested in and cared for. That is not something everyone does or can do.

You are a problem solver. Sure, you spend time despairing over big, overwhelming issues that seem impossible to overcome, but you also take the time to break those things up into steps that you can take to make things better. You have continuously been frustrated with the lack of communication in your family over the years, and instead of just allowing the sin of generations to continue, you have slowly been the one to extend conversation first and take the initiative in asking how they are doing.

You have a lot of humility. Without expecting anything on the other individual’s part, I’ve seen you apologize to people who have shattered your heart into a million pieces, because you see how you have also caused pain to them. Over the years, you have struggled and struggled and struggled with the sense of entitlement, and more and more, you are willing to suffer and ache and mourn, trusting that life and hope will come to fruition, not here, but when you return to Jesus.

You trust people with wisdom. You recognize that people have hurt you in very deep ways, and you give yourself space from these people to mourn and heal your own wounds. At the same time, you recognize that the broken relationship is a result of sin, and that this is not how it was meant to be. And you seek reconciliation with these same individuals, give them space to have an impact on your heart, even though you know that they could hurt you again.

You’ve grown up. Things you thought you could or would never do – drive a car, be financially independent, have a career, lead groups, take your car to the mechanic, schedule doctor’s appointments, look for houses to rent, job search; you’ve slowly jumped into all of these things, and granted, made mistakes, but done them well!

You have learned to be honest with your feelings. You smile and laugh without reserve about the things that make you happy, but you also cry shamelessly about the things that cause you pain, and rage openly about the things that cause you anger. You’re still learning to share these things with others so that they can walk with you in your emotions, but you improve with each passing day.

You desire justice, to do what is right. And you realize that this has been perceived as extremist or overzealous. And you also realize that you don’t meet your own standards or desires for perfection or equality or justice. But that doesn’t stop you from dreaming of what the world will be as God intended it to be, and you strive to be a part in making that vision a reality.

All this and more and more as you walk faithfully with each passing day, entrusting your life to Abba.

Jonathan Mark Foreman.

Oh my.

Although it brings back good memories, I don’t particularly love Switchfoot’s music. So every time I go to one of their concerts (this is the second time), I really don’t expect much out of it.

And every time, I am blown away by Jon Foreman’s passion for music, his desire to build up the Kingdom through his giftings, and his ability to share his heart with others.

So the purpose of this concert was to watch a short film they made about Jon Foreman’s dream – “25 in 24”. It talks about how he loves music so much that even having a full-time job playing music doesn’t give him enough venue to share all the music he has inside of him. Cue the idea of a whole day of concerts spread throughout his beloved city in places that hold key memories, with the important people of his life, challenging human limits, and connecting with people through music.

It really struck me that the purpose of Jon Foreman’s music was really about expressing his own heart, conversing with God, and building up community around him. And this is new in some ways, because in the environment around me, music wasn’t really about passion. It was about discipline, superiority, and meeting a certain skill standard. That’s not always a bad thing, but in my own life, I realize that has made me feel inferior and unwilling to fail, which in turn makes me unwilling to try new things and grow.

And that hasn’t just been in the area of music. I feel this way about almost everything that I do, be it planning an event, leading a group, taking pictures, drawing, cooking, singing, etc. It’s the reason I feel a deep-seated anxiety about a lot of things I pursue. Because if I don’t meet a certain standard, my efforts have no worth, and I bring nothing to the table.

But with the realization of this fear, I suddenly find that God has gifted me in a multitude of ways, and fear of failure is the only thing keeping me from using these talents to bless and build up those around me. And it is in fact through the failings that I can improve and bless in larger ways each new time.

So that being said, I begin the journey to cast fear out of my life, and use that which God has blessed me with to encourage, to grow, and to create.

Thank you, Abba Father.

-G

Sometimes when you’re just taking each day, each moment, at a time, the mundane and rote can make the most dynamic of lives seem dull and unchanging. hitting the first year anniversary of full-time work, i’m realizing if i don’t stop to take some time to look at the bigger picture, i lose wonder and life really feels like a grind.

2017 deserves more credit than what i give to it.

i got to travel the world with sister in tow and show her some of my favorite cities in the world.

i was able to find worth in myself, enough to know that it was time to leave a work space that i loved, but where i was not respected. And have enough courage to leave with no future prospects.

i watched as God provided full-time work less than one week after i left my work, when i had had no breakthroughs in the past six months of job searching.

i experienced constant affirmation in my work, through my work reviews, encouragement from my bosses, and even random encounters with coworkers i had had nothing more than a few email exchanges with. in a time when i needed it because i could only see my failings and lacking aspects. all the while having the opportunity to work in a super chill environment and getting to do A LOT of reading at work.

speaking of which, i finished reading the entire Anne of Green Gables series, Chronicles of Narnia set, and Lord of the Rings trilogy, all for the first time. And all at work.

i learned about work relationships, and what it means to love people with Christ’s love in an environment where you’re there to keep things running and people intentionally distance themselves from other people. It’s a work in progress.

i realized i had been desiring romance and marriage for so long, but didn’t even know to what purpose. Time to step back, continue learning to love myself, and explore the concept of marriage, as a reflection of Christ and His Church.

i met so many new people, and some journey in life together friends, and already, we’ve walked through moments of joy, sorrow, stress, confrontation, tension, and growth together.

i made the scary decision to move out in order to push myself to financial independence and learn how to take care of myself.

i picked up a past regret, started playing volleyball again, and fell again in love with this wonderful sport and the lovely people i have been able to meet through this shared activity.

i decided to become a deacon at church to serve in the intergenerational ministry, which is something that has been near and dear to my heart, but i had been scared to invest time in due to previous disappointment.

God has been gracious and overflowing in blessings and growing me every step of last year.

thank You.

 

 

The holidays. A time of joyous reunions, long overdue catch-ups, and wonderfully meaty conversations.

The holidays. A time of unwanted meetups, bitter memories of bygone days, and awkward faces I never wanted to see again.

The thought rankles of the bitter taste of hypocrisy. How can my heart be so small, and my pride hold onto such petty grudges, when I have tasted the sweetness of forgiveness and mercy from my Heavenly Father?

And even so, my heart tells me that I can’t let go.

But it’s something I do want to surrender. To be able to give second chances in the same way that I have been given a second chance. To stop blaming others for my woes and take responsibility for my own part in causing my pain. To share the testimony of the goodness of my Abba Father to those who had spent a large part of their lives serving Him, but never knowing Him intimately.

By myself, I know that it is impossible. In Christ, I know that I can. One step forward at a time.

happy palates and stinky breaths

trying our luck

when you ask for the unluckiest tickets and the man delivers

pasta con pesto, peppersteak sandwich, calamari, garlic bread

roast, roast, roast

our group

nice friends

the ultimate play date

circus trees

sonic run! – chili cheese coneys, cherry limeades, and french toast sticks

chalk art at great america from taste of orleans