I don’t like my father.

This is one of those things that’s really hard for me to vocalize, because I feel like I will automatically be judged for being ungrateful when I have a father who is around and has provided and continues to provide for my needs.

But who could possibly mourn the fact that I don’t like my father more than myself? I don’t think there’s anyone in the world who ever wanted a dad they didn’t highly respect and love and cherish. And it really breaks my own heart to know that my relationship with my own earthly father is not everything that God planned for it to be.

But it’s hard. He’s everything that exacerbates, aggravates, and annoys me. He’s everything that leaves me feeling unheard, unloved, and not good enough. In his unceasing desire to provide for my physical needs, I’ve always felt that he left this humongous emotional void in my life that now leaves us now estranged. He is the yin to my yang, the black to my white, the cat to my dog.

Knowing my own natural animosity toward my dad; also knowing God’s calling to love those He has placed in my life as my family; and conveniently being placed together with just my dad together at home for two weeks, I made a commitment to love and care for my dad’s needs during the time that we had together.

It’s been hard. I’ve been casting aside hang outs left and right in order to spend evenings at home cooking and cleaning the house. I’ve been forced to communicate with my dad when I really would prefer to just silently go about my own business.

The crux was definitely today – Father’s Day. Sundays are really precious to me because I usually spend the morning worshiping the Lord in community and then spending the rest of the day eating and hanging out with beloved friends. But I decided that I would take the day to go with my dad to do whatever he wanted. Which was go to San Francisco.

So we did. We had lunch in Japan town, went to Land’s End, and went back to Japan town for dinner. Not much conversation passed between us. I was pretty irritable most of the time. I am revealing myself to be a more and more terrible person as this post goes along. To be honest, the trip itself was terrible by my standards. All throughout the time, I kept on thinking about all the people I had not gotten a chance to see that day, and all the fun things that I could be doing instead.

But at the end of it all, I do not regret making this decision. Because my obedience is what pleases my Father in Heaven. Not to say that my obedience was perfect today. Oh, far from it. But it was a step. A step in doing something that I am called to do even though my heart is not at all in it. Even though I feel like I’ve gained nothing from it all, and maybe even felt like I’ve lost something from it. A step of faith that with action will come the heart and feelings.

On the car ride home, I told my dad that I loved him maybe for the first time ever in my life. It was tough because I seriously don’t even know if I feel that way, but the hope is that with those words will slowly and gradually come redemption of our father-daughter relationship. With discipline will flow God’s transforming power in my own life.

Through my arduous and ever changing relationship with my father, may God’s work in my life will be revealed.

-G

Malachi 4:5-6

“Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the Lord comes. And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction.”

 

I traversed the world looking for love – sailing the seven seas, trekking through valleys deep and ascending to mountains high.

Having searched in vain without finding that which I sought, I returned home, weary and discontented.

What then to my surprise, having my eyes suddenly opened to the light, when I saw in front of me, the very love I had always thought I lacked. Not in the form that I expected.

For before me was not the man of my dreams, but instead, the people who had always been in my life – family and friends. Indeed, the Lord Himself was there, ever watching, ever arms open.

And then I realized.

How can I love well that which is not yet here if I do not even love well those who have already been given to me?

A promise – that which I most desire will come. But until then, I need to be a good steward of His love to those who are already mine.

 

I am my Father’s daughter.

My heart aches for those who hurt, and how much more so when it is at my hands.

But I do not yet have my Father’s wisdom and understanding, allowing the fires to sanctify and refine, waiting for perseverance and time to strengthen and purify.

Over and over, I block people from the arrows meant to come their way, thinking that I will save them. I carry countless burdens that are not my own.

My Father laughs with amusement in His eyes, shakes His head softly, and gently whispers.

Why do you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders when I came to free you of its chains?

I love you so much, for even in your striving, I see the desire in your heart for My Glory. I see your tears that mourn for My people, even as I mourn for them.

But. Let go. Let go.

Trust that the pain will only stretch and fortify. It will never kill, never injure permanently.

Trust in My perfect plan.

Trust in My everlasting love for My people.

Our eyes meet. A burst of laughter rumbles from the deepest depths.

I’m so silly and ridiculous, aren’t I, Father?

Yes. That indeed you are. And I love you the more for it, because that is how I created you to be. You are my dearly beloved.

Silence. A golden one. Perfect understanding without a need for words.

Peace and rest. The perfect moment. With countless to follow.

 

I am but a human standing in the land of giants.

A mere mortal in the realm of gods.

A humble being in the midst of the greats of our time.

The sense of inadequacy has always been very strong in me. Everywhere I go, to the left and right of me are the musical, the graceful, the brilliant, the eloquent, the rich, the beautiful, the successful. And then there’s me. Even in the midst of all I have been given, it’s so easy to feel like I’m the tone-deaf, I’m the awkward, I’m the dimwitted, I’m the tongue-tied, I’m the poor, I’m the ugly, I’m the failure.

My worth is not in my talents, my looks, or my status in this world. My identity is rooted in my place as the Almighty God of the universe’s beloved and chosen one. I know that, my mind tells me. I know that I am not worthless, because He has given me worth. And yet, I still go over this cycle of feeling worthless and being reassured over and over again.

I live in a world where I am constantly told by the Evil One that who I am is not good enough. He batters me with these words and comparisons until I’m filled with self-hatred and guilt. And the hardest part of it all, is that it’s true. I AM not good enough. But freedom doesn’t, indeed it cannot, come from self-improvement, from striving. It will never be enough. Freedom comes from admitting that I can’t, and believing that He can.

I am so in need of His grace. A double dose. Repeatedly as I continuously fall back into the same old habits of toiling for worth, comparing myself, and trying to lean on my own efforts. And in the midst of this weary process, is a peace that comes from His sovereignty over my life, and a hope of the day when I will be all that I was created to be.

A reminder from before:

“Your needs and My riches are a perfect fit. I never meant for you to be self-sufficient. Instead, I designed you to need Me not only for daily bread but for fulfillment of deep yearnings. I carefully crafted your longings and feelings of incompleteness to point you to Me. Therefore, do not try to bury or deny these feelings. Beware also of trying to pacify these longings with lesser gods: people, possessions, power.

Come to Me in all your neediness, with defenses down and with desire to be blessed. As you spend time in My Presence, your deepest longings are fulfilled. Rejoice in your neediness, which enables you to find intimate completion in Me (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling).”

2 Corinthians 4:7-11

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

“Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

Amen.”

-Francis of Assisi

Satan told me these words today:

 

On this earth, you will never. ever. be known. You will never. ever. be understood.

You are not worth anyone’s time.

No one loves you.

The people who you love the most will break their promises and hurt you.

You can’t trust anyone.

You are totally alone.

Your love is so lacking.

Your best efforts are not enough.

You lead those you love away from Jesus.

You are disappointing.

There’s no hope for you.

 

Burdened by the weight of these words that hit home and cut deep to my heart this week, I felt so helpless. My soul was so weary as these words played themselves over and over in my head.

A lot of what Satan told me was true. Or at least it stemmed from truths that were then twisted into lies. And that’s what made it even more paralyzing.

And so I cried out to my Father in heaven.

 

And Jesus told me these words:

 

You will never be known on this earth. But I know you. Indeed, I have known you and understood you completely and intimately.

You are not worth anyone’s time or love, but despite that, I choose you. I choose to love you and be with you. You were worth every single moment that I spent on this earth and in fact, I came so that I could bring you back home to be with me.

People will break your heart with their words and their actions. They broke mine too. But I want you to follow after me in loving them and desiring their good.

I know you still make mistakes. I know that your soul is still chained to its sinful nature at times. My beloved daughter, do not lose heart, and keep your eyes on mine as you journey through this life.

Trust me. And in Me you will find that I am breathing life into the hearts of those around, even as I am slowly transforming your heart to be in my likeness. Trust that in me, I bring unity to My people as they look forward to the hope that I give.

I love you. I love you. Well done, my daughter. I’m proud of you.

 

Thank you, Abba Father.

-G

Psalm 42:11

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.