At the root of anger is some form of entitlement. If you don’t believe that you deserve something, you will not feel discontentment if you don’t get that thing.

For pretty much all of my life, I didn’t believe that I was worth the space that I occupied on this earth. That’s a really extreme statement. And I believe it’s true from the way I lived my life and my attitude toward many things.

In the past four years, God has constantly been changing that perception of myself, teaching me that hopeless sinner that I am, in His light, I am redeemed – His precious treasure. His wonderful daughter.

And that knowledge has changed me. And continues to change me. It has motivated me to reach out to people in ways that I would’ve never dared to do so previously – never thought I deserved to before. The spark of love has powered an endless energy to pour into the church community and its members.

It has been wonderful to know that I am His beloved.

And yet, that same knowledge has caused a fair amount of entitlement, and a cascade of rage I had never experienced before this year.

Anger at the daily things of life like how people drive and how well people do their jobs. Anger at this world, this society, and all the things that are happening that destroy the environment, oppress the poor, and destroy the lives of people based on their skin color and gender. Anger at friends for betraying me, doing things to me that I don’t deserve, not being there for me when I need, and causing great pain to my heart. Anger at my parents for ingraining bad habits and terrible weaknesses that I had no power over and have no ability to change. Anger at myself for all the things that I do wrong, all of the bad choices that I make, all of the hypocrisies I daily commit, all the people I don’t care for, all the hurtful feelings I feel against those I love the most.

Anger is such an all-consuming and tiring emotion. And in the midst of feeling all of this, I begin to learn that this anger in my heart is so complicated. Some of it is bad – it stems from things the world and not God tells me I am entitled to. But some of it is good – it’s an acute awareness that things are not exactly as God intended them, and in response, an intense desire that things be made right. And ultimately, it is natural and good that I feel anger.

But it does matter how I choose to respond in my anger.

I’m learning to bring things to the Lord. I’m learning that people are not the reason for my anger, but they are often times a trigger for a wound within myself. I’m learning to sit in my anger, not taking it out on others, but asking myself why I feel the way I feel. I’m learning to pray for the people I feel anger against. I’m learning to change the things that I can change, to seek reconciliation when I can, but also to wait upon the Lord for things that are not yet meant to pass, and sit in the unresolved. And ultimately, I am learning that even as I am the medium through which hurt is manifested in the world, I am also the hands through which Abba Father has chosen to plant the seed of healing to this broken people.

Continuously, I am shedding pride and the things of this world, instead choosing to be clothed in humility, to be a reflection of His image. Looking to the hope of His kingdom come.

2018, you’ve been hard, but you’ve also been good. Praying for a vulnerable heart and open eyes to meet the moments of 2019.

-G

 

 

Ode to Myself

I’m really proud of you.

You really desire the good of everyone around you. Sometimes the follow through is lacking – maybe you’re scared, too shy, unsure of what to do, or distracted – but your heart is sincere.

You have so much joy inside of you. For the little things. For the big things. For sights, for smells, for textures, for sounds, for tastes. It radiates from inside and in turn infects joy upon those around you.

You do a lot of things well. You cook, you sing, you draw, you write, you knit, you sew, you play sports, you tell funny stories, you talk to people, you lead things, you organize events, you listen to people…you’ve gotten compliments on your handshake, for goodness’ sake!

Even the things that you don’t find yourself to be talented in, you have given yourself space to slowly improve over the years. You play plenty of chords on the guitar now. When you’re in a car by yourself, you harmonize to almost all the pop songs on the radio. You feel less awkward when meeting people and you’ve learned to ask questions, be comfortable with silence, and not try to solve people’s problems.

You’re so smart. You’ve never had to work very hard and you still excel in pretty much all subjects. You don’t give yourself credit for this because all you see are the geniuses around you. Perhaps they are smarter than you in some ways, but that doesn’t affect the caliber of your own intelligence.

You bring people together. You connect a lot of people who don’t take the time or don’t have the time to keep up with one another. You allow yourself grace to not reach out to people that you don’t have bandwidth for, but when they re-enter your life, they are always a welcome sight to be invested in and cared for. That is not something everyone does or can do.

You are a problem solver. Sure, you spend time despairing over big, overwhelming issues that seem impossible to overcome, but you also take the time to break those things up into steps that you can take to make things better. You have continuously been frustrated with the lack of communication in your family over the years, and instead of just allowing the sin of generations to continue, you have slowly been the one to extend conversation first and take the initiative in asking how they are doing.

You have a lot of humility. Without expecting anything on the other individual’s part, I’ve seen you apologize to people who have shattered your heart into a million pieces, because you see how you have also caused pain to them. Over the years, you have struggled and struggled and struggled with the sense of entitlement, and more and more, you are willing to suffer and ache and mourn, trusting that life and hope will come to fruition, not here, but when you return to Jesus.

You trust people with wisdom. You recognize that people have hurt you in very deep ways, and you give yourself space from these people to mourn and heal your own wounds. At the same time, you recognize that the broken relationship is a result of sin, and that this is not how it was meant to be. And you seek reconciliation with these same individuals, give them space to have an impact on your heart, even though you know that they could hurt you again.

You’ve grown up. Things you thought you could or would never do – drive a car, be financially independent, have a career, lead groups, take your car to the mechanic, schedule doctor’s appointments, look for houses to rent, job search; you’ve slowly jumped into all of these things, and granted, made mistakes, but done them well!

You have learned to be honest with your feelings. You smile and laugh without reserve about the things that make you happy, but you also cry shamelessly about the things that cause you pain, and rage openly about the things that cause you anger. You’re still learning to share these things with others so that they can walk with you in your emotions, but you improve with each passing day.

You desire justice, to do what is right. And you realize that this has been perceived as extremist or overzealous. And you also realize that you don’t meet your own standards or desires for perfection or equality or justice. But that doesn’t stop you from dreaming of what the world will be as God intended it to be, and you strive to be a part in making that vision a reality.

All this and more and more as you walk faithfully with each passing day, entrusting your life to Abba.