Disclaimer – I address the topic of sexual abuse with some amount of description in relation to my own experience, so please be aware of personal triggers. The topic of systemic racism is by no means one I am an expert on, so would love to talk more on a person to person level about your thoughts! 

I remember the first time I actively had discriminatory thoughts against a race other than my own. I was on a city street with my friend when all of a sudden, I felt my body being squeezed in a place no one but my mother had ever touched. It was so swift, so quick that not even my friend a few steps away from me noticed a thing. And yet that feeling burned on my skin, as shocked, I turned around to see the perpetrators: two boys, early high school aged, maybe even middle school – they were black.

I don’t know that any sex ed classes teach you how to respond in that moment.

So many thoughts raced through my mind. Did that really just happen? Should I call the police? Do I confront them? What if they attack me again? How do I tell my friend what just happened? Is it my fault for choosing what I wore that day? Is this that big of a deal compared to those who have had it worse? I feel ashamed. I feel dirty. I feel unsafe. I feel unsafe.

The shame won out in that two-second world war of thoughts in my head. I couldn’t bear to even acknowledge that I had violated in such a way. In the only way I knew how to address the situation, I simply turned around, looked at my abusers and said – “That’s not okay.” To this day, I could not tell you if I would have responded differently, much less so how one should respond in such a situation.

But those few seconds of molestation affected so much. In a trip later on that year to the Midwest, I remember feeling so overwhelmed entering into a Target filled with white people. When seeing black people on the streets of Chicago? I purposefully took steps to distance and protect myself, constantly turning around to make sure I was aware of all my surroundings. It never felt safe. It will likely never again feel as safe.

Why do I choose to tell this story now, given all the horrifying stories of systemic racism in the headlines, speaking to the terrible reality of inequality and discrimination rampant in this nation?

Because I need to recognize first and foremost that I am guilty of racism. That in a rephrasing of the famous words of English writer and lay theologian G.K. Chesterton, “I am what is wrong with the world.”

Because I need to know that it is not okay for me to respond (even to deep pains) with discrimination, but before that, I need to understand that I respond incorrectly because I have been hurt in ways that need to be addressed head on and receive healing.

My pains are very real. And in my human ways, I can only desire to protect myself in the ways of this world – avoid, accuse, avenge. But as a follower of Jesus, I find that I need to place these things in His hands trusting that He has brought forth true justice for me and for all people. I need to know that He will handle it in His timing and that His ways are so much better than the bitter and painful consequences that my responses have led to.

Isaiah 42:1-4, ESV – Behold my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put my Spirit on him; he will bring forth justice to the nations. He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice, or make it heard in the street; a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice. He will not grow faint or be discouraged till he has established justice in the earth; and the coastlands wait for his law.

My hope is that we all learn to listen. To ourselves and to others. That we will acknowledge and ask for healing of our own pains, even as we admit that we need to be humbled in our own perspectives of the privileges we feel entitled to. That we all choose to hear and respect and mourn for the pains others have faced, even at our own hands.

I remember the first time I had compassion for those perspectives I had judged before. After my own encounter with sexual abuse, understanding a little more why woman has to fight so hard so man can see with eyes opened the daily struggles she faces for being born a certain gender. Hearing the immigrant voices who harbor racist feelings in order to protect themselves and loved ones from repeating atrocities they faced in their own mother countries, far beyond what I can imagine or what I have ever faced. Even mourning for my own abusers, for the pain that they put on my body are heavy burdens passed down onto their shoulders through centuries of racial injustice and inequality.

It is only in first acknowledging their pain and walking alongside them in their healing process that we can take steps to meet in the middle.

Thoughts are great, but they need to turn into action to have transforming power, so I thought I’d share about my next steps with you in the hopes that they would inspire you to think through how you will choose to respond. We are all in different places in our journey, so your steps will likely not be the same as mine, but what’s the most important is that we keep moving forward.

Examine Myself

Romans 12:3, ESV – For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.

I have to start with assessing myself. Unless my heart is changed, actions will not help or heal. Where am I, emotionally and mentally, in terms of my perspectives of race?

Healing from abuse – Since the incident, I have slowly been able to tell my story to some trusted individuals and experience healing from the trauma. I would like to bring this topic up with my therapist to explore where I am in that healing process and if there are further steps I can take to promote healthy recovery.

Idols – I have recently been convicted that I idolize safety more than the presence of God in my life, and racism is one of the areas that idolatry manifests itself. I am praying in repentance of this idolatry regularly and asking for clear guidance from the Spirit in leading away from this idol and toward His presence.

Asking for Humility – I am privileged. Part of the growing process is recognizing my privilege and actively choosing to use that privilege in a way that builds up individuals who do not have that same privilege. I am praying specifically for Christ’s humility and guidance on the specific areas I am privileged in and where I can use those privileges as a blessing to others.

Grow in the safety of friendship

Ephesians 3:17 – “so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”

I mentioned safety as an idol for me personally, but that does not mean that God does not call us to break away from all safe spaces. As a person, I was created to be in relationship, to be encouraged, to be kept accountable, to grow within spaces where I feel connected and am loved unconditionally. Outside of these relationships, I have no way to grow.

I will be intentional with finding two or three individuals I can trust with sharing about this aspect of my life and staying accountable to them. These are people that I feel safe disagreeing with, sharing intimate thoughts that may not be received well by all, and can be corrected by.

Take Small, Slow, Steady Actions

Once my focus is on God changing my heart, that’s when I can begin to help my body connect thoughts/feelings with physical actions. These will often be small steps that feel doable and not overwhelming, so that over time, I can build up more courage and strength to take bigger steps.

Read news more regularly and with less bias – I’ve always avoided news very intentionally. I just never felt I could do anything even if I had knowledge of current events. Recently, as I’ve been praying more regularly, I feel more empowered to learn what’s going on because I can bring them before the Lord of the universe knowing that He cares about these things and is actively working for justice and for our good and for His glory. And that He will be clear in His calling me to response, always in ways within my ability though often out of my comfort zone.

Befriend individuals of other races and experiences – Everything starts from person to person interactions. I have extremely few friends of other races outside of Asian, and it’s an intimidating thought where to begin. I have been fortunate to walk alongside A in this time who is much more comfortable in this area, and I will be upfront in asking him to encourage me to intentionally build up relationships with individuals outside of my own experience (racial, sexual, etc.).

Support causes financially – Even as the relational and heart aspect of these issues feel harder to broach or effect change in, something that is easier but also meaningful for me to do is to invest in organizations that are effecting change on systemic racism. I personally felt called to give 3-4% of my income this year to charities. With the remainder of the year, I want to be more intentional with giving to causes that stand for racial justice. I will be very honest in saying that I am terrible at researching good organizations to donate to, so will definitely take suggestions and advice from others on this one.

Educate – I put this one a little reluctantly because I’m not sure where to start, but in hopes that putting it in writing holds me more accountable to follow up. I have always felt that the primary source of my privilege came from my education, and I want to pass that on to those who haven’t had the same opportunities that I had. I am prayerfully asking for God to place opportunities my way to serve in this capacity.