From my perspective, I had been hounding an unresponsive, technically inept, annoyed fellow for a completed excel sheet for over a month. I had been sending reminders to the point where I had run out of ways to politely say “follow the directions please” and just started putting off the task.

Had some pamphlets to run off to someone in another building, so I turned the corner to check the cubicle names, and of course, of all eight hundred employees residing in these four buildings, I find his name across the hallway from my destination. Time to shame him in person once I drop this stuff off.

Pamphlets dropped off, I walk (lightly stomp) over to his cubicle.

“Hi, do you have some time?”

“No…who are you?”

“I’m Grace from the legal department. I sent you the email about finishing that form…”

“Ohhh!”

He asks me to wait for him as he opens up the accursed spreadsheet, and I’m already slightly peeved (if I wasn’t already before) at his slightly disgruntled attitude. As if it were my fault you didn’t follow my instructions.

As I help him, he suddenly asks if I’m new, and I casually mention that I’m a temporary replacement for the permanent executive assistant of the department. What followed:

“Are you going to stay on when she comes back?”

“I hope so, but I really don’t know if I’ll be able to.”

“Do you like it here?”

“Yeah, I really do.”

“What’s it going to take for you to stay? Who do I need to talk to?”

“Oh, ummm…I don’t, I don’t really know.”

“I can’t promise you anything, but I’m going to talk to some people and see what I can do to allow you to stay here. You are doing a great job!”

“Oh wow…thank you, thank you so much!”

Thank you. As I walk off, I’m just a little teary eyed, completely grateful, and in disbelief at what just happened. Someone I had just met in person offered to take the initiative to fight for me to stay in my position. What? What? How do these things happen?

Let’s not even mention the original expectations behind that meeting.

Jesus, Your love is so wonderfully sweet.

-G

I don’t like my father.

This is one of those things that’s really hard for me to vocalize, because I feel like I will automatically be judged for being ungrateful when I have a father who is around and has provided and continues to provide for my needs.

But who could possibly mourn the fact that I don’t like my father more than myself? I don’t think there’s anyone in the world who ever wanted a dad they didn’t highly respect and love and cherish. And it really breaks my own heart to know that my relationship with my own earthly father is not everything that God planned for it to be.

But it’s hard. He’s everything that exacerbates, aggravates, and annoys me. He’s everything that leaves me feeling unheard, unloved, and not good enough. In his unceasing desire to provide for my physical needs, I’ve always felt that he left this humongous emotional void in my life that now leaves us now estranged. He is the yin to my yang, the black to my white, the cat to my dog.

Knowing my own natural animosity toward my dad; also knowing God’s calling to love those He has placed in my life as my family; and conveniently being placed together with just my dad together at home for two weeks, I made a commitment to love and care for my dad’s needs during the time that we had together.

It’s been hard. I’ve been casting aside hang outs left and right in order to spend evenings at home cooking and cleaning the house. I’ve been forced to communicate with my dad when I really would prefer to just silently go about my own business.

The crux was definitely today – Father’s Day. Sundays are really precious to me because I usually spend the morning worshiping the Lord in community and then spending the rest of the day eating and hanging out with beloved friends. But I decided that I would take the day to go with my dad to do whatever he wanted. Which was go to San Francisco.

So we did. We had lunch in Japan town, went to Land’s End, and went back to Japan town for dinner. Not much conversation passed between us. I was pretty irritable most of the time. I am revealing myself to be a more and more terrible person as this post goes along. To be honest, the trip itself was terrible by my standards. All throughout the time, I kept on thinking about all the people I had not gotten a chance to see that day, and all the fun things that I could be doing instead.

But at the end of it all, I do not regret making this decision. Because my obedience is what pleases my Father in Heaven. Not to say that my obedience was perfect today. Oh, far from it. But it was a step. A step in doing something that I am called to do even though my heart is not at all in it. Even though I feel like I’ve gained nothing from it all, and maybe even felt like I’ve lost something from it. A step of faith that with action will come the heart and feelings.

On the car ride home, I told my dad that I loved him maybe for the first time ever in my life. It was tough because I seriously don’t even know if I feel that way, but the hope is that with those words will slowly and gradually come redemption of our father-daughter relationship. With discipline will flow God’s transforming power in my own life.

Through my arduous and ever changing relationship with my father, may God’s work in my life will be revealed.

-G

Malachi 4:5-6

“Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the Lord comes. And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction.”

I traversed the world looking for love – sailing the seven seas, trekking through valleys deep and ascending to mountains high.

Having searched in vain without finding that which I sought, I returned home, weary and discontented.

What then to my surprise, having my eyes suddenly opened to the light, when I saw in front of me, the very love I had always thought I lacked. Not in the form that I expected.

For before me was not the man of my dreams, but instead, the people who had always been in my life – family and friends. Indeed, the Lord Himself was there, ever watching, ever arms open.

And then I realized.

How can I love well that which is not yet here if I do not even love well those who have already been given to me?

A promise – that which I most desire will come. But until then, I need to be a good steward of His love to those who are already mine.

I am my Father’s daughter.

My heart aches for those who hurt, and how much more so when it is at my hands.

But I do not yet have my Father’s wisdom and understanding, allowing the fires to sanctify and refine, waiting for perseverance and time to strengthen and purify.

Over and over, I block people from the arrows meant to come their way, thinking that I will save them. I carry countless burdens that are not my own.

My Father laughs with amusement in His eyes, shakes His head softly, and gently whispers.

Why do you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders when I came to free you of its chains?

I love you so much, for even in your striving, I see the desire in your heart for My Glory. I see your tears that mourn for My people, even as I mourn for them.

But. Let go. Let go.

Trust that the pain will only stretch and fortify. It will never kill, never injure permanently.

Trust in My perfect plan.

Trust in My everlasting love for My people.

Our eyes meet. A burst of laughter rumbles from the deepest depths.

I’m so silly and ridiculous, aren’t I, Father?

Yes. That indeed you are. And I love you the more for it, because that is how I created you to be. You are my dearly beloved.

Silence. A golden one. Perfect understanding without a need for words.

Peace and rest. The perfect moment. With countless to follow.