At the root of anger is some form of entitlement. If you don’t believe that you deserve something, you will not feel discontentment if you don’t get that thing.

For pretty much all of my life, I didn’t believe that I was worth the space that I occupied on this earth. That’s a really extreme statement. And I believe it’s true from the way I lived my life and my attitude toward many things.

In the past four years, God has constantly been changing that perception of myself, teaching me that hopeless sinner that I am, in His light, I am redeemed – His precious treasure. His wonderful daughter.

And that knowledge has changed me. And continues to change me. It has motivated me to reach out to people in ways that I would’ve never dared to do so previously – never thought I deserved to before. The spark of love has powered an endless energy to pour into the church community and its members.

It has been wonderful to know that I am His beloved.

And yet, that same knowledge has caused a fair amount of entitlement, and a cascade of rage I had never experienced before this year.

Anger at the daily things of life like how people drive and how well people do their jobs. Anger at this world, this society, and all the things that are happening that destroy the environment, oppress the poor, and destroy the lives of people based on their skin color and gender. Anger at friends for betraying me, doing things to me that I don’t deserve, not being there for me when I need, and causing great pain to my heart. Anger at my parents for ingraining bad habits and terrible weaknesses that I had no power over and have no ability to change. Anger at myself for all the things that I do wrong, all of the bad choices that I make, all of the hypocrisies I daily commit, all the people I don’t care for, all the hurtful feelings I feel against those I love the most.

Anger is such an all-consuming and tiring emotion. And in the midst of feeling all of this, I begin to learn that this anger in my heart is so complicated. Some of it is bad – it stems from things the world and not God tells me I am entitled to. But some of it is good – it’s an acute awareness that things are not exactly as God intended them, and in response, an intense desire that things be made right. And ultimately, it is natural and good that I feel anger.

But it does matter how I choose to respond in my anger.

I’m learning to bring things to the Lord. I’m learning that people are not the reason for my anger, but they are often times a trigger for a wound within myself. I’m learning to sit in my anger, not taking it out on others, but asking myself why I feel the way I feel. I’m learning to pray for the people I feel anger against. I’m learning to change the things that I can change, to seek reconciliation when I can, but also to wait upon the Lord for things that are not yet meant to pass, and sit in the unresolved. And ultimately, I am learning that even as I am the medium through which hurt is manifested in the world, I am also the hands through which Abba Father has chosen to plant the seed of healing to this broken people.

Continuously, I am shedding pride and the things of this world, instead choosing to be clothed in humility, to be a reflection of His image. Looking to the hope of His kingdom come.

2018, you’ve been hard, but you’ve also been good. Praying for a vulnerable heart and open eyes to meet the moments of 2019.

-G