I am but a human standing in the land of giants.

A mere mortal in the realm of gods.

A humble being in the midst of the greats of our time.

The sense of inadequacy has always been very strong in me. Everywhere I go, to the left and right of me are the musical, the graceful, the brilliant, the eloquent, the rich, the beautiful, the successful. And then there’s me. Even in the midst of all I have been given, it’s so easy to feel like I’m the tone-deaf, I’m the awkward, I’m the dimwitted, I’m the tongue-tied, I’m the poor, I’m the ugly, I’m the failure.

My worth is not in my talents, my looks, or my status in this world. My identity is rooted in my place as the Almighty God of the universe’s beloved and chosen one. I know that, my mind tells me. I know that I am not worthless, because He has given me worth. And yet, I still go over this cycle of feeling worthless and being reassured over and over again.

I live in a world where I am constantly told by the Evil One that who I am is not good enough. He batters me with these words and comparisons until I’m filled with self-hatred and guilt. And the hardest part of it all, is that it’s true. I AM not good enough. But freedom doesn’t, indeed it cannot, come from self-improvement, from striving. It will never be enough. Freedom comes from admitting that I can’t, and believing that He can.

I am so in need of His grace. A double dose. Repeatedly as I continuously fall back into the same old habits of toiling for worth, comparing myself, and trying to lean on my own efforts. And in the midst of this weary process, is a peace that comes from His sovereignty over my life, and a hope of the day when I will be all that I was created to be.

A reminder from before:

“Your needs and My riches are a perfect fit. I never meant for you to be self-sufficient. Instead, I designed you to need Me not only for daily bread but for fulfillment of deep yearnings. I carefully crafted your longings and feelings of incompleteness to point you to Me. Therefore, do not try to bury or deny these feelings. Beware also of trying to pacify these longings with lesser gods: people, possessions, power.

Come to Me in all your neediness, with defenses down and with desire to be blessed. As you spend time in My Presence, your deepest longings are fulfilled. Rejoice in your neediness, which enables you to find intimate completion in Me (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling).”

2 Corinthians 4:7-11

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

“Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

Amen.”

-Francis of Assisi

Satan told me these words today:

 

On this earth, you will never. ever. be known. You will never. ever. be understood.

You are not worth anyone’s time.

No one loves you.

The people who you love the most will break their promises and hurt you.

You can’t trust anyone.

You are totally alone.

Your love is so lacking.

Your best efforts are not enough.

You lead those you love away from Jesus.

You are disappointing.

There’s no hope for you.

 

Burdened by the weight of these words that hit home and cut deep to my heart this week, I felt so helpless. My soul was so weary as these words played themselves over and over in my head.

A lot of what Satan told me was true. Or at least it stemmed from truths that were then twisted into lies. And that’s what made it even more paralyzing.

And so I cried out to my Father in heaven.

 

And Jesus told me these words:

 

You will never be known on this earth. But I know you. Indeed, I have known you and understood you completely and intimately.

You are not worth anyone’s time or love, but despite that, I choose you. I choose to love you and be with you. You were worth every single moment that I spent on this earth and in fact, I came so that I could bring you back home to be with me.

People will break your heart with their words and their actions. They broke mine too. But I want you to follow after me in loving them and desiring their good.

I know you still make mistakes. I know that your soul is still chained to its sinful nature at times. My beloved daughter, do not lose heart, and keep your eyes on mine as you journey through this life.

Trust me. And in Me you will find that I am breathing life into the hearts of those around, even as I am slowly transforming your heart to be in my likeness. Trust that in me, I bring unity to My people as they look forward to the hope that I give.

I love you. I love you. Well done, my daughter. I’m proud of you.

 

Thank you, Abba Father.

-G

Psalm 42:11

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.